Beautiful Holy

(This is something i wrote using parts from my journals over the past several months. Relationships and experiences lay behind what is written, too many stories to write, and events that i don't know how to share exist between the lines of this... prayer of sorts. It is addressed to Beautiful Holy a name i have recently been taking up in conversation with the figure normally called the Holy Spirit. It is a name that to me expresses some of the mystery, truth, and awe of the closeness as i engage in conversation. )


Beautiful Holy,
You arise in us a contrast of us and you, and you the Beautiful-Holy so patiently work to bring in the Kingdom of God here on earth as it is in heaven. That is how you taught us to pray, and i ask myself can i handle what it means "on earth as in heaven"? This prayer calls deep for life and change. I come with fear and trembling, and with confidence knowing you are a good God. What are you calling to me?
Change grates on my skin, but determined to sing your praise i stand and rhythmically move in the dark. This is my dance before you.

Locked in the familiarity of hate we hold the key you have already given, it is the size of a mustard seed; we pierce through the wall with love and let the flood rush out over us.

Your Love was no more understandable after your death than before; so we ask for your eyes to love our enemies, those that take advantage of love, and those that seek to destroy You, but cannot.

Give us Your mind dear Saviour to know when and how to speak, to know when to spit in the mud, to reach out and heal, and when to draw in the sand while the truth penetrates through the silence. Teach us your wisdom that has turned this world upside-down with its presence.

My life is a shambles a disheveled heap a wreak. I keep nothing orderly or pure, i lack discipline and perseverance that it takes to pursue or draw near to anything or anyone, let alone God. I sit and agree all of our human striving is vanity. Yet how can pursuing justice, love and mercy be in vain? I stand in my struggle and am drained of power. i can fix nothing. I have nothing.

How can i give when i have nothing? I stand in my own struggle of seeing myself as disempowered, how can i tell others of their dignity and worth if i see myself without strength? where does my breath come from? ...although all physical strength is gone, there is still each breath that comes at Your bidding filling my bones with life and i also raise from a dry valley, so i boast in YOU...you are everything i have...you are everything. My soul stands in awe at what it sees. It is a gift of great value, and yet I can only invite people into something that i myself have accepted.

Jesus i receive your love for me, i let it flow over and overflow my being, let it be a fragrance to those who are skeptical, to those who have drawn near. YOUR LOVE IS NOT A SECRET, let me shout it from the rooftops, and sit with those who do not understand in silent reflection of your unfathomable love.

You draw us into the struggle of Love and bring us to our knees as we pray to love those who know only how to inflict pain. We embody the love they are afraid to embrace...

I see your face when i open the door to our home. You are covered over by shame and the stench of smelly shoes that fills our hallway and everything that is cast at the broken- a weight of guilt to those without strength, but still you are present there.

i also see the dreaded and the fearsome and that their justice and dignity go forth from themselves on the backs of those who call out for Help. what i see is like Habakkuk said, you make mankind like like the fish of the sea, like the crawling things with no ruler; where the one who perverts justice brings up the poor with a hook and net and drags them to shore and is glad and rejoices at what he can getaway with. Is he then to keep on emptying his net and mercilessly killing nations forever?

No matter the dark You are there. it is as light to you; there is no need to fear it. Being surrounded in dark i find you there working, and playing and singing over all you have created.

For You O Lord, see the nations, You see your people, you see the lost lamb, you see the aggressive bear--and the cub inside that it tries to protect. You see and You hear. " I will make my stand at the watch post and station myself on the tower and look out and see what you O Lord will say to me and what i will answer to my complaint.

For you are Not a slow God, and you will not be patient forever. Though for now there is trouble in the world we will not fear. Death has been conquered. Life is being breathed into our very being. I rise with you today and live today. May i please The One who has called me. I do not fool myself to think that there are no consequences to a life lived upside-down in a world that is "right-side" up. Great Provider i ask for proper attire for the journey ahead, and not too heavy of a mantel that i would only be able to go half way. I follow you in full awareness,
My Lord was only resurrected after he was crucified. Glorified and Risen Master, help me see the beauty in the suffering don't let my eyes grow dim with dismay. And do not let me miss the party and feast that celebrates the return of even the least of your children.
Come, Beautiful Holy, abide and bring to the surface the heart of God and intercede beyond where my words can go.

places that make a difference

"Nope, no we have already started..." i was told an advocate for women meeting was being held, and i was late. knowing i could not join i wanted to see just a peek. i peer into the room and look around. At first glance i know this was not what i expected. This was not a bunch of do good women sitting around in a board meeting talking about how they could the women on the street, these were the woman of the street, who wanted to have a safe place to talk and be bold women with dignity. It would have been an experience so different yet strangely what i wanted. The lead woman who was saying they were started gave me a look and then said, "oh what the hell, come on in." I stand there a bit shocked that they would let me in. I am new to the group and i arrived late. the rules are no showing up late, be from the DTES, be a woman, have problems. Did they really think i fit that description, i thought as i stepped toward the group of five women. i stand by the group for a moment because there is no open chair. The woman star at me ""grab a chair--wait, are you a street worker? "no" i shake my head. Are you an addict? "no" i lower my head as i shake it, my hopes of staying and seeing what the meeting is like quickly dissipate. Have you ever smoked even cigarettes? i look up, that i can nod my head to as i say in a slight voice, a few times. "well then, Ok grab a seat." i walk over to the corner for a chair thinking the whole time what have you got yourself into and where is my friend that said she was coming too. as i sit the leader tells me they have been sharing about their week, and then one of the other girls picks back up by swearing a string of words to mark the fact that she had been interrupted by my coming late and that she had lost her train of thought. Welfare wednesday had past since they had met as a group last so as we go around sharing each tell what they did with their welfare money and how they don't remember the day, or how they messed up by not buying all in one lump but in a bunch of smaller amounts. as i sit listening i enjoy being an insider even if it is for a moment, i am hearing things from these women that on the street they don't dare to say, and i wonder what i will share. As i start my turn to answer the command to tell them about myself i tell that i have been here a year and a half--they look at me like that explains the fresh blood look--then i tell them i am from the states and they are interested to crawl into my suit case when i go home. i share an experience or two that i have had and then it is over--i passed the test, they said i was welcome to be there and passed me "Fat Rat", saying" if you like 'Fat Rat' then your in" --i don't know if they are joking or serious and i don't dare ask. but the meeting continues on and i really enjoy hanging out, even though the topic was legal advocacy i did not feel awkward about not having an outstanding ticket or warrant because there was a woman who after ten years of being here still was non-existent to the police. i was not half as offended as she was that the police did not know my name, and wouldn't be able to find me in their system no matter how hard they searched.

The whole time i could not help but think, this is where i want to be, right here talking and hanging with my new friends, that this was a connecting point i could fit into. that i did not want to inflict change on them but i wanted to be with them, and live knowing we both exist. Someone i know has set the example and i want to follow (matt.9:9-12) even if i know it was only because of my bald head that i got in the door.

A gift beyond

Birth in me something new this Christmas; For you, the God who called Moses into the Thick darkness, you cry out with compassion "I have come to set the captives free, giving sight to the blind, delivering good news to the poor". Rejoice! Oh, do rejoice with me, for the Lord who has broken and crushed this spirit, will heal!

Trying to put words to thoughts & feelings

My face is pressed to the ground
my nostrils fill with dust
Pools of sweat,
pools of tears
Pools of bloodshed that is not my own.

Cover Me, my flesh cries out!
Bones protruding,
Hope diluted and distilled
Living Presence, clear as mud.

Crazy and foolish, that’s what you are
cause of beauty, giver of life
Fresh
and refresh
and refresh again
Benevolent in your domain
you bring to dust and then breath in life

Yet you’re compelling, I crave nothing more
the confidence and strength scares me
such a powerful weapon placed in a child’s hands.
Daddy I don’t know what to do with PEACE!

(segments if an attempted poem)

A few Highlights and Quotes

While building relationships with others there are times when i am struck with the pure Genius of God in creating humans to be dependant creatures. There is the joy of meeting old friends again whom you have not seen for a while(sometimes in years), there is the heavy heart when friends must part and go their way after periods of spending time in community. There are moments when we rejoice together in the abundance of life, and still other moments when we cry out hoping others will hear what we cannot say.
Yet everyday God supplies us the gift of interdependence. i realize that here in relationship, God has his way of speaking and teaching and drawing us to The Creator and Sustaining One via the use of us in each others lives. These past weeks has been a weeks of hearing the words of God pronounced in unlikely places; and recognizing yet again that this is not so unusual, almost a habit of God's.
But why am i shocked and why do i continue to believe that such circumstances are "unlikely"? God did after all create it so that the "foolish things of the world shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even the things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are..." (1 Corinthians 1:27) and also rejoicing that the Father of Heaven and earth has "hidden these things from the wise and understanding and revealed them to little Children; yes Father for such was your gracious will"(Matthew 11:25). It is true, the Lord--Our Lord is doing mighty works in our world, do i have eyes to see it?

Here are a few quotes from conversations and lines that have

caught me off guard or made me think:

"Thanks God for times of devastation because then i see your grace..."

Deborah-a woman from the street prayed this.

"How do i be a host to the world? I am hosted but how do i live with impact?"

a humble woman who is not aware of her impact.

"Bad people break good laws, and good people break bad Laws."

Jayden 6year old living in our community.

Dances of Hope and Pearls of Great Price

I look at them

They Look at me

I see the beauty in their eyes

They say don't touch my hands, i am contaminated

They shout their pain

I hear their words

They say they are lost

I hear their search for God

We long for words of Truth and affirmation

I smell the stench

They are used to the smell

I cover my nose as i try to listen

They repeat the same tales ...again

I get bored and don't pay attention to the miracle before my eyes

God is teaching us

We are His pupils together

God declares His Kingdom Here

They arise and Dance with hope

I am humbled to the bottom of the heap and find a lasting pearl of great price.

"Comfort, O Comfort my People" says the Lord...(Is.40:1)

I was typing, and she was wailing intermixed with F*** off, and you B****! "I'm sad" was her initial sentence. Like many times before i could here the conversation being held right out side our office window. The lady had been sitting there with another person for the past few minutes and was now shouting profanities to anybody and everybody passing by; who as a general rule down here are quick to shout back to anybody who gets in their space physically or verbally.
Take it some where else lady, was my initial thought. Nine O'clock in the morning seemed a bit too early to be swearing so profusely. Another person mad at the world. As i sat--as she shouted i was urged to go and sit with her. Sit with her? God are you kidding! what if all that aggression turns toward me? What if i loose my temper, What if she laughs at me in the face,etc...One of our office volunteers who did not know of this internal conversation said "Ruth, why don't you go out there and offer her a drink or something, you are more trained in dealing with these types of things, what she is saying is hurting my insides."
Not knowing where to start i got up feeling more that my insides were feeling the pangs of dread than solidarity; i opened the door. The woman became quiet and started to apologize for making such a ruckus.
I came down and sat beside her saying "i could not help but hear your pain."
Her face contorted as another burst of tears came out. "My mom is dying!"
I reached out and held her hand.
She squeezed my hand so tight as tears rolled down.
we sat.
my stomach ached.
we sat in silence.
then she talked...
A Heart attack, a few broken relationships with siblings, her own addictions to alcohol, and one question...
"Why?"
"why would God allow this?"
"If there really is even a God where is he?"
She gazed off into the far distance as if she looked far enough away she would find the answer, or at least be rid of the pain.
I took my other hand and held her hands in mine and our gaze met.
"i think God would be right here with you, speaking comfort into your pain."
She gave a half smile and squeezed my hand even tighter as if it could occupy the same space my hand was using up.

"Comfort, O Comfort My people" says your God. Speak tenderly to Jerusalem, and cry to her that her warfare is ended, that her iniquity pardoned, that she has received from the Lord's hand double for all her sins. A voice cries: "In the wilderness prepare the way of the Lord; make straight in the desert a highway for our God. Every valley shall be lifted up, and every mountain and hill be made low; the uneven ground shall become level, and the rough places plain. And the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together, for the mouth of the Lord has spoken."... (Isaiah 40)

As i continued to sit with her i heard him saying ...this is my glory, you two are seeing it together. As i reflect upon my dread and fears i hear the call to "get up...to lift it up, fear not; say to the DTES (the cities of Judah) 'Here is your God!'" (Is.40:9)

Reservation for Two?

There were two empty seats at the table. Every day around 6pm we have meals together as a community and open our table to people we have been journeying with to come and join us. We can guess but we never really know who will stop by or when. This Friday night was no different. As we sat at the table with a big pot of chili in front of us, it looked emptier than normal with only one person from outside our community that comes certain nights, but the table was extended to the full length and set for extras. Nay said to us "come scoot closer together, no need to spread out" another said "we could take away those two empty spots" then Jayden (six years old) said daddy there are two more spots so we need two more people. We adults smiled ah the mind of a child, "your right Jayden," said Craig "we should pray for two more people."
The doorbell rang.
Our smiles faded for just a moment to allow our eyes to get wider as we looked at each other. Up the stairs with Jason came just that... two more people, our new friend Bernedette and her son it was the first time for her in our home. We all started to laugh as we invited them to sit and we thanked God for the blessings and the Lessons from a child.

What a reminder: Make too much food--Invite more people.