Personal Struggles and Inner Healing

Keeping Quite busy these days. From watering and tending the garden and hanging with the people we meet via the garden, our meals at the house, people coming through the house for prehab, planning showings for Holly (a movie about human trafficking in Cambodia we showed on July10), plotting for a Flash Mob over the injustices on the cruise ships that dock right here in Vancouver, pottery and going to new places for art with women from the DTES, and foot washing in the evening once a week for women on the streets at night; the days seem to fly by and i wonder where the time goes.
The back alley behind our apartments gets fairly noisy at nights these days, and i walk out our front door in the mornings to find people sleeping right next to our gate, not to mention that all through the day people crouch against the wall and walk the streets with no real place in mind. What i see saddens my heart, but hold on to hope that what i see is not God's design. This is an excerpt of what I wrote in my journal back in June:

“Where we stand effects what we see. Trying to fix things from afar or without a clear view can often cause pain. Jesus tells us to remove the plank out of our own eye first before we try to remove the speck out of our brother’s eye. The stories I hear make me realize every day that I walk around and have a choice; either to see clearly or to turn the other way and see only what I want. My prayer—Lord confirm Your truth in my life, turn my stiff neck in the direction You are looking that I may see you in the least of these…in the faces we consider hopeless.”
(June 10, 2009)

The past couple of months have been a real struggle, pruning and healing within my heart. Every day i am faced with who i really am, i see my own behavior and habits and how they either attract or push others away. i cannot turn a blind eye to how my daily habits affect those around me. Living in the light of God's heart for justice and mercy is not something to live out only when you feel like it or on the "good days" we have, but an every day lifestyle no matter the cost. Job knew this. I read the book of Job this past month as i have been working my way through scripture, and came across the last defense that Job gives of himself. It truly struck me though i have read it many times before, that Job lived out this life through thick and thin with God's upside down kingdom in mind, even when it was no benefit to him.

"Whoever heard me spoke well of me,
and those who saw me commended me,
because I rescued the poor who cried for help,
and the fatherless who had none to assist him.
The man who was dying blessed me;
I made the widow's heart sing.
I put on righteousness as my clothing;
justice was my robe and my turban.
I was eyes to the blind
and feet to the lame.
I was a father to the needy;
I took up the case of the stranger.
I broke the fangs of the wicked
and snatched the victims from their teeth.
"I thought, 'I will die in my own house,
my days as numerous as the grains of sand."

HE continues on talking later about how if he had ever turned away the hungry the naked or needy or widow then he cried out for some awful thing to happen to him. Now normally these words would not be the first ones i would choose as comforting words but i found that these words were the same as many other words God uses to speak his heart for the world. He has a special spot for the down and out and those being oppressed. His cry echos those found often in the Psalms and i find comfort in that The Lord Answers and cleanses and creates in us a new heart of flesh, a right spirit. He does not cast us away, but gives us by pruning and refining by tearing down and then rebuilding, and creating anew he brings us a real joy in the spirit, because no longer is the generosity and welcome, the mercy and justice we offer to others empty in meaning but it is the same that we ourselves have been offered.
As painful as it can be at times working through things we have kept buried for years the healing and fullness/ the abundance that flows out, spills into our relationships. The pain is not useless. I pray for my eyes to be opened wider than they already are...


Here at the house during our evening prayers sometimes we sing this Taize Song:
"The Kingdom of God is Justice and Peace,
And joy in the Holy Spirit.
Come Lord and Open in us
the Gates of Your Kingdom"

Praying that our presence here would be used as gates to usher in the least, (our neighbors that talk yell and scream in the back alley and the people that sleep by our front door, to your Upside down kingdom. Fill my heart Lord with your Hope and Joy in seeing your kingdom come here.

Dwell and Transform

One of our friends we have been journeying with came by the office last week (I'll call him bob). Nobody was in the house so when he saw me in the office he came in. He asked if the other guys were home I said I didn’t think so, he asked if I had seen a mutual friend who now lives like we do in the area ("Shawn") —it had been a week and a half since I saw him. He plopped down in the velvet orange chair draping his legs over one arm and leaning against the other. “Have any canned food?”He asked. “Not here” was my reply. My mind was searching for info in the recesses of my mind to remember the last time I had seen bob—it was a few nights back … Bob was drunk at the time and a lot had happened that night… By the way Bob was acting I was becoming pretty sure food was not all that was on his mind. I gave him some packets of granola bar bites.
“you know Shawn and I are not on good terms now, he’s mad at me.” –Bob’s words interrupted my train of thought. "Yeah I know something went down between you two, but it is nothing that cannot be worked out if you go talk to him. It is not worth ruining a good friendship over.” He stared off into the distance. After a few awkward moments of silence he said “I’m in a bad spot, the worst I have been in. “ He again sat quiet. His gaze fell on the picture of Craig, Jonathan and David in there matching sweaters smiling and looking all chummy. “you know that is really what I want. What is there, in that picture, but I ruin everything I go near. Shame and guilt are my security.” We sat and in our silence. The words " ...All things Reconciled..." started playing from the CD of Music i had put on earlier… “shame and guilt really are not your friend you know, there are people here—Shawn, the guys in our community, the preachers you talk to, that care for you. We want to see you succeed; we want to see you whole, we are there for you. This guy Jesus who we all talk about that is why he came to give us freedom so that the fear and shame and guilt don’t have to be our companions…relationships are hard and it is a scary thing-- doing things that are not familiar to us, but we are cheering for you Bob, we want to see you free too, we want that friendship—but we cannot force you, it must come from you too. “ He started staring at his hands with an expression I could not read, his head ever so slightly nodding. Did I say too much I thought, was I too direct? God?

Bob stood up. I gotta go do something. I stood up. He gave me a light sided one hand hug,I began to appologize, “I know I just went off there a bit…”--“thanks Ruth", He interrupted.
“Yeah. See you around soon.” i said.
“yeah.” And out the door he went, as fast as he came. I hear the music in the background again “…and dwelt among us, and dwelt among us…”

As i look back on this last month i realize how frequently and seemingly random conversation and encounters happen in daily life. From this five minute encounter supposedly about canned food, to talking through the fence to people who pass by the garden, inviting them in and sitting on the picnic table with them listening to their words and stories, to filling up a water bottle, shaking a hand, giving a hug, even the attempts of throat singing and random jam sessions--All of these are daily life; They are also visible acts that have spiritual implications. In Servants we say "our vision is to see the urban poor and their communities transformed by the power of Christ." This is not just some spiritual goal we have set, but we follow Jesus Christ--Our God came and dwelt among us; He gave his living presence that is with us today. His example and His presence, are real and earthy. As i try to put words here to what i am thinking, i am gripping with my hands a chunk of air trying to describe the tangibility of something that is not contained in one image. (no wonder Jesus uses so many different parables and imagery to describe what the Kingdom of God is like.) Our hope for reconciling and transformation come from this same foundation, this stone. We are all surrounded by it Daily. Lord grant us eyes to see you and your growing Kingdom in the stranger, in our neighbour, the sick and the hungry.

Back home -in Vancouver, BC

Hey thanks everyone for your Prayers!
After two months of traveling around visiting friends, family, and churches; i have arrived back in Vancouver. The border crossing went sooooo smoothly, i could not have asked for anything more. I went through immigration in half an hour receiving my religious workers Permit that will last for a year, with out a problem--almost as if it were routine! what a blessing.
I find it to be a sense of peace and confirmation that this is where i am to be for this time.

I enjoyed my time with you all. The conversations and times that we shared are precious to me. I would love to keep in conversation with you all so feel free to e-mail me. i want to know what is going on in your lives and how i can be praying and encouraging you. Thank you all for your prayers and support. The response that i have received has been a blessing. I am currently about 1/2 way to the amount of support needed so thank you all who have already added to this and to those who are prayerfully considering how you may be able to participate.

Though i enjoyed my time with you all, I am excited to get right into things here in the DTES, picking up where i left off in some things (like the viewing of "Holly"a movie on human trafficking) and joining in on some new things that were started while i was away (such as a new office and a new plot of land to turn into a garden...and more i am sure).

Heaps of Blessings~

Well Hello Iowa!

Yes that is right i have intentionally gone to Iowa before spring has officially set in, but people are worth it. To top it all off the sunshine from California has started to follow me here too (though the warmth is delayed). I have been truely blessed by the reception i have recieved in each place i have been. The genuine curiosity to what i am doing and how the Lord is leading, has encouraged me greatly. Having the support and encouragement to continue to step forward from people who have been a part of my life in many ways, confirms in me that i am not alone in these pursuits. The love of Christ has been present through you as encouragement and challenges and prayers have been given along the way.
Some highlights of the past month and a half :
*seeing my mom reading Beverly Clever "Risby" to the nieghbourhood kids the night before i left. She truely is an excellent grandma to more kids than just her own grandsons.
*meeting for tea (that Flowering tea was so much fun) and coffee with a couple friends that i had not seen in ages --one at least 10years and another 15 years!
*Seeing my nephew will jump up and down squealing with delight for 1/2 an hour in bouncy chair.
*Visiting and caring for a friend that broke her leg the day before our visit tgether--we got to discuss different kinds of fractures while waiting in the hospital for her appointment.
*Showing up in Iowa at midnight and being recieved in like family.
*Red Letter Festival to rasie awarness for homelessness and poverty in iowa and for the Bridge (transitional housing for women) the day after i got in...

.....And plenty of amazing times...
I look forward to spending one more week here in Iowa and then another week with My eldest sister in Indiana before i return to Canada.
You are all in my prayers. Please if there are ways that i can keep you in mind in my prayers i would love the support to be able to go both ways, so feel free to e-mail me and let me know what is happening in your life.

The Visiting Has Begun! Here I come...

Finally the trip is on it's way!
I have spent a lovely past couple of days with my mother in Long Beach California. I don't know who talked more withing the first couple hours upon my arrival; we talked as if we only had a couple hours to catch up on half a years worth of information... It has been great to see where my mother goes to church and where she lives--meeting the kids in the neighbourhood... I will be here with my mom in the LA area until Tuesday March 3rd, and then head up to Northern California/ San Jose area. I have had a lot of time while my mother is at work to read and reflect and work on an art piece. I have been reading through Luke realizing just how much Jesus talks about the Kingdom of God, his upside down kingdom and the difference between God's wisdom and power vs. the power and wisdom of us. i am only half way through (chapter 13) and the KOG (kingdom of God) has been directly mentioned 19 times (that is not including the places where he is alluding to it or referring to the upside down understanding of what God's wisdom is like. Such a great read...

Reading past Liturature

I just spent the morning at the Regent Library reading poems and other creative writings on the topic of Justice. It was an anthology of Literature called Cry out for Justice, full of controversial poetry, art works and writings throughout time; all written in defense of the poor and Oppressed. It had a Forward by Jack London. The book swept from the perspective of the oppressed to the advocates and their disdain for the present circumstances,God's call for Change, the helpful and the hurtful things the church has done, and the hopes for the future, also a section on remembrance and one on Children.
I sat there soaking up this great literature, thinking about how much of it still applies to today, and how we are so selective of the writings from the past that we read so that we read Romeo and Juliet a million times over and neglect some of Shakespeare's provocative stuff same with Emerson and Whitman, and Adams and a hundred other writers.
I left thinking about how today these writings still speak of places like the DTES, and if only we realized how continual this problem has been and that we could cause it to cease...

On my way home i sat on the bus next to a guy who could not read and was asking which buses to take to get home.

It is a privilege and a responsibility to read.

All in a days work

Two stories: (i will leave them without my usual trying interpretation and just leave them as experiences...for now)Similar circumstances, but totally different. Two guys down on their luck on the street.

Yesterday: it was a fairly sunny Mid afternoon. Compared to all the fog that we have had. Though the sun was out a bit it was still cold, and i walked quickly up Commercial Drive to the pottery studio. There was a guy in a wheelchair asking for money. His Name was Randy. I said i didn't have any but i stopped walking and asked him how his day had been going. he told me how he was cold and today had been not so good for busking--He hadn't got a thing since the small cup of coffee early in the morning; A couple days ago he had been hit by a car--he was fine but it had damaged his wheel chair and it was going to take a bunch of paperwork or money to get it working well again...and a couple other rough events he mentioned. I stood there and listened nodding at appropriate times, and then he said "...but what about you? you seem to be in a good mood?" Then i got to say how some friends and i had been talking to guy guy who we knew and hadn't seen in a while and he told us that his recovery was a tough road to pull but that he felt encouraged to continue, the sun was a bit brighter today than yesterday and that i saw one of the first signs of spring peeking out of the dirt just down the road." Randy smiled and held out his hand. As we shook hands he thanked me for sharing, "...your bits of joy have encouraged me for this moment."
i turned to walk away, a bit slower this time even though it was still cold. I wonder to myself...what lasting change does an encounter like this have on the world at large.. but i know i am asking the wrong question. For one moment one man in a wheelchair that had been being passed by and written off all day, felt a sense of worth and dignity--even for a moment.

Today: i was coming out of a thrift store on the far east end of Hastings street. Today unlike yesterday (or the past two weeks really) the sun was all the way out and warming our faces. I had walked all the way to the store on the sunny side of the street just to make sure i caught as much of the sun's warmth as a could. Having found what i had been looking for made me even more happy to go home and show the others in the community. HE was sitting there against the wall and had just heard me tell another lady who asked for money and hurried on by, that i didn't have money to hand out, but he asked anyway. when i said the same to him, he went off yelling about how he knew my type i was the type that had thousands of dollars saved up for only me and i was the type to get fancy education and go guild to make millions more and buy things on credit cards. I stood there listening, "...and I've never had a credit card before! all i have is a hard slab of cold cement and ..." he ranted for a minute or so about his lack of money interspersed with some colorful language, all of which he said in such a loud voice that i am sure everyone on the block could hear. I finally said "Look there are more useful things in the world than money--like friends, and right now your yelling is making it really difficult for me to even want to be your friend..." waving his hand at me as if swiping away a pesky fly he shouted louder than the rest of his ranting "Aaww, F** off!"
I said OK and walked away.
As i walked away i thought there is something ironic about being told to F** off on such a beautiful warm day. Some people have a hard time seeing the sun even when it is in their face.

Just another day's work in the life of the DownTown EastSide...