A gift beyond

Birth in me something new this Christmas; For you, the God who called Moses into the Thick darkness, you cry out with compassion "I have come to set the captives free, giving sight to the blind, delivering good news to the poor". Rejoice! Oh, do rejoice with me, for the Lord who has broken and crushed this spirit, will heal!

Trying to put words to thoughts & feelings

My face is pressed to the ground
my nostrils fill with dust
Pools of sweat,
pools of tears
Pools of bloodshed that is not my own.

Cover Me, my flesh cries out!
Bones protruding,
Hope diluted and distilled
Living Presence, clear as mud.

Crazy and foolish, that’s what you are
cause of beauty, giver of life
Fresh
and refresh
and refresh again
Benevolent in your domain
you bring to dust and then breath in life

Yet you’re compelling, I crave nothing more
the confidence and strength scares me
such a powerful weapon placed in a child’s hands.
Daddy I don’t know what to do with PEACE!

(segments if an attempted poem)

A few Highlights and Quotes

While building relationships with others there are times when i am struck with the pure Genius of God in creating humans to be dependant creatures. There is the joy of meeting old friends again whom you have not seen for a while(sometimes in years), there is the heavy heart when friends must part and go their way after periods of spending time in community. There are moments when we rejoice together in the abundance of life, and still other moments when we cry out hoping others will hear what we cannot say.
Yet everyday God supplies us the gift of interdependence. i realize that here in relationship, God has his way of speaking and teaching and drawing us to The Creator and Sustaining One via the use of us in each others lives. These past weeks has been a weeks of hearing the words of God pronounced in unlikely places; and recognizing yet again that this is not so unusual, almost a habit of God's.
But why am i shocked and why do i continue to believe that such circumstances are "unlikely"? God did after all create it so that the "foolish things of the world shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even the things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are..." (1 Corinthians 1:27) and also rejoicing that the Father of Heaven and earth has "hidden these things from the wise and understanding and revealed them to little Children; yes Father for such was your gracious will"(Matthew 11:25). It is true, the Lord--Our Lord is doing mighty works in our world, do i have eyes to see it?

Here are a few quotes from conversations and lines that have

caught me off guard or made me think:

"Thanks God for times of devastation because then i see your grace..."

Deborah-a woman from the street prayed this.

"How do i be a host to the world? I am hosted but how do i live with impact?"

a humble woman who is not aware of her impact.

"Bad people break good laws, and good people break bad Laws."

Jayden 6year old living in our community.

Dances of Hope and Pearls of Great Price

I look at them

They Look at me

I see the beauty in their eyes

They say don't touch my hands, i am contaminated

They shout their pain

I hear their words

They say they are lost

I hear their search for God

We long for words of Truth and affirmation

I smell the stench

They are used to the smell

I cover my nose as i try to listen

They repeat the same tales ...again

I get bored and don't pay attention to the miracle before my eyes

God is teaching us

We are His pupils together

God declares His Kingdom Here

They arise and Dance with hope

I am humbled to the bottom of the heap and find a lasting pearl of great price.

"Comfort, O Comfort my People" says the Lord...(Is.40:1)

I was typing, and she was wailing intermixed with F*** off, and you B****! "I'm sad" was her initial sentence. Like many times before i could here the conversation being held right out side our office window. The lady had been sitting there with another person for the past few minutes and was now shouting profanities to anybody and everybody passing by; who as a general rule down here are quick to shout back to anybody who gets in their space physically or verbally.
Take it some where else lady, was my initial thought. Nine O'clock in the morning seemed a bit too early to be swearing so profusely. Another person mad at the world. As i sat--as she shouted i was urged to go and sit with her. Sit with her? God are you kidding! what if all that aggression turns toward me? What if i loose my temper, What if she laughs at me in the face,etc...One of our office volunteers who did not know of this internal conversation said "Ruth, why don't you go out there and offer her a drink or something, you are more trained in dealing with these types of things, what she is saying is hurting my insides."
Not knowing where to start i got up feeling more that my insides were feeling the pangs of dread than solidarity; i opened the door. The woman became quiet and started to apologize for making such a ruckus.
I came down and sat beside her saying "i could not help but hear your pain."
Her face contorted as another burst of tears came out. "My mom is dying!"
I reached out and held her hand.
She squeezed my hand so tight as tears rolled down.
we sat.
my stomach ached.
we sat in silence.
then she talked...
A Heart attack, a few broken relationships with siblings, her own addictions to alcohol, and one question...
"Why?"
"why would God allow this?"
"If there really is even a God where is he?"
She gazed off into the far distance as if she looked far enough away she would find the answer, or at least be rid of the pain.
I took my other hand and held her hands in mine and our gaze met.
"i think God would be right here with you, speaking comfort into your pain."
She gave a half smile and squeezed my hand even tighter as if it could occupy the same space my hand was using up.

"Comfort, O Comfort My people" says your God. Speak tenderly to Jerusalem, and cry to her that her warfare is ended, that her iniquity pardoned, that she has received from the Lord's hand double for all her sins. A voice cries: "In the wilderness prepare the way of the Lord; make straight in the desert a highway for our God. Every valley shall be lifted up, and every mountain and hill be made low; the uneven ground shall become level, and the rough places plain. And the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together, for the mouth of the Lord has spoken."... (Isaiah 40)

As i continued to sit with her i heard him saying ...this is my glory, you two are seeing it together. As i reflect upon my dread and fears i hear the call to "get up...to lift it up, fear not; say to the DTES (the cities of Judah) 'Here is your God!'" (Is.40:9)

Reservation for Two?

There were two empty seats at the table. Every day around 6pm we have meals together as a community and open our table to people we have been journeying with to come and join us. We can guess but we never really know who will stop by or when. This Friday night was no different. As we sat at the table with a big pot of chili in front of us, it looked emptier than normal with only one person from outside our community that comes certain nights, but the table was extended to the full length and set for extras. Nay said to us "come scoot closer together, no need to spread out" another said "we could take away those two empty spots" then Jayden (six years old) said daddy there are two more spots so we need two more people. We adults smiled ah the mind of a child, "your right Jayden," said Craig "we should pray for two more people."
The doorbell rang.
Our smiles faded for just a moment to allow our eyes to get wider as we looked at each other. Up the stairs with Jason came just that... two more people, our new friend Bernedette and her son it was the first time for her in our home. We all started to laugh as we invited them to sit and we thanked God for the blessings and the Lessons from a child.

What a reminder: Make too much food--Invite more people.

Personal Struggles and Inner Healing

Keeping Quite busy these days. From watering and tending the garden and hanging with the people we meet via the garden, our meals at the house, people coming through the house for prehab, planning showings for Holly (a movie about human trafficking in Cambodia we showed on July10), plotting for a Flash Mob over the injustices on the cruise ships that dock right here in Vancouver, pottery and going to new places for art with women from the DTES, and foot washing in the evening once a week for women on the streets at night; the days seem to fly by and i wonder where the time goes.
The back alley behind our apartments gets fairly noisy at nights these days, and i walk out our front door in the mornings to find people sleeping right next to our gate, not to mention that all through the day people crouch against the wall and walk the streets with no real place in mind. What i see saddens my heart, but hold on to hope that what i see is not God's design. This is an excerpt of what I wrote in my journal back in June:

“Where we stand effects what we see. Trying to fix things from afar or without a clear view can often cause pain. Jesus tells us to remove the plank out of our own eye first before we try to remove the speck out of our brother’s eye. The stories I hear make me realize every day that I walk around and have a choice; either to see clearly or to turn the other way and see only what I want. My prayer—Lord confirm Your truth in my life, turn my stiff neck in the direction You are looking that I may see you in the least of these…in the faces we consider hopeless.”
(June 10, 2009)

The past couple of months have been a real struggle, pruning and healing within my heart. Every day i am faced with who i really am, i see my own behavior and habits and how they either attract or push others away. i cannot turn a blind eye to how my daily habits affect those around me. Living in the light of God's heart for justice and mercy is not something to live out only when you feel like it or on the "good days" we have, but an every day lifestyle no matter the cost. Job knew this. I read the book of Job this past month as i have been working my way through scripture, and came across the last defense that Job gives of himself. It truly struck me though i have read it many times before, that Job lived out this life through thick and thin with God's upside down kingdom in mind, even when it was no benefit to him.

"Whoever heard me spoke well of me,
and those who saw me commended me,
because I rescued the poor who cried for help,
and the fatherless who had none to assist him.
The man who was dying blessed me;
I made the widow's heart sing.
I put on righteousness as my clothing;
justice was my robe and my turban.
I was eyes to the blind
and feet to the lame.
I was a father to the needy;
I took up the case of the stranger.
I broke the fangs of the wicked
and snatched the victims from their teeth.
"I thought, 'I will die in my own house,
my days as numerous as the grains of sand."

HE continues on talking later about how if he had ever turned away the hungry the naked or needy or widow then he cried out for some awful thing to happen to him. Now normally these words would not be the first ones i would choose as comforting words but i found that these words were the same as many other words God uses to speak his heart for the world. He has a special spot for the down and out and those being oppressed. His cry echos those found often in the Psalms and i find comfort in that The Lord Answers and cleanses and creates in us a new heart of flesh, a right spirit. He does not cast us away, but gives us by pruning and refining by tearing down and then rebuilding, and creating anew he brings us a real joy in the spirit, because no longer is the generosity and welcome, the mercy and justice we offer to others empty in meaning but it is the same that we ourselves have been offered.
As painful as it can be at times working through things we have kept buried for years the healing and fullness/ the abundance that flows out, spills into our relationships. The pain is not useless. I pray for my eyes to be opened wider than they already are...


Here at the house during our evening prayers sometimes we sing this Taize Song:
"The Kingdom of God is Justice and Peace,
And joy in the Holy Spirit.
Come Lord and Open in us
the Gates of Your Kingdom"

Praying that our presence here would be used as gates to usher in the least, (our neighbors that talk yell and scream in the back alley and the people that sleep by our front door, to your Upside down kingdom. Fill my heart Lord with your Hope and Joy in seeing your kingdom come here.

Dwell and Transform

One of our friends we have been journeying with came by the office last week (I'll call him bob). Nobody was in the house so when he saw me in the office he came in. He asked if the other guys were home I said I didn’t think so, he asked if I had seen a mutual friend who now lives like we do in the area ("Shawn") —it had been a week and a half since I saw him. He plopped down in the velvet orange chair draping his legs over one arm and leaning against the other. “Have any canned food?”He asked. “Not here” was my reply. My mind was searching for info in the recesses of my mind to remember the last time I had seen bob—it was a few nights back … Bob was drunk at the time and a lot had happened that night… By the way Bob was acting I was becoming pretty sure food was not all that was on his mind. I gave him some packets of granola bar bites.
“you know Shawn and I are not on good terms now, he’s mad at me.” –Bob’s words interrupted my train of thought. "Yeah I know something went down between you two, but it is nothing that cannot be worked out if you go talk to him. It is not worth ruining a good friendship over.” He stared off into the distance. After a few awkward moments of silence he said “I’m in a bad spot, the worst I have been in. “ He again sat quiet. His gaze fell on the picture of Craig, Jonathan and David in there matching sweaters smiling and looking all chummy. “you know that is really what I want. What is there, in that picture, but I ruin everything I go near. Shame and guilt are my security.” We sat and in our silence. The words " ...All things Reconciled..." started playing from the CD of Music i had put on earlier… “shame and guilt really are not your friend you know, there are people here—Shawn, the guys in our community, the preachers you talk to, that care for you. We want to see you succeed; we want to see you whole, we are there for you. This guy Jesus who we all talk about that is why he came to give us freedom so that the fear and shame and guilt don’t have to be our companions…relationships are hard and it is a scary thing-- doing things that are not familiar to us, but we are cheering for you Bob, we want to see you free too, we want that friendship—but we cannot force you, it must come from you too. “ He started staring at his hands with an expression I could not read, his head ever so slightly nodding. Did I say too much I thought, was I too direct? God?

Bob stood up. I gotta go do something. I stood up. He gave me a light sided one hand hug,I began to appologize, “I know I just went off there a bit…”--“thanks Ruth", He interrupted.
“Yeah. See you around soon.” i said.
“yeah.” And out the door he went, as fast as he came. I hear the music in the background again “…and dwelt among us, and dwelt among us…”

As i look back on this last month i realize how frequently and seemingly random conversation and encounters happen in daily life. From this five minute encounter supposedly about canned food, to talking through the fence to people who pass by the garden, inviting them in and sitting on the picnic table with them listening to their words and stories, to filling up a water bottle, shaking a hand, giving a hug, even the attempts of throat singing and random jam sessions--All of these are daily life; They are also visible acts that have spiritual implications. In Servants we say "our vision is to see the urban poor and their communities transformed by the power of Christ." This is not just some spiritual goal we have set, but we follow Jesus Christ--Our God came and dwelt among us; He gave his living presence that is with us today. His example and His presence, are real and earthy. As i try to put words here to what i am thinking, i am gripping with my hands a chunk of air trying to describe the tangibility of something that is not contained in one image. (no wonder Jesus uses so many different parables and imagery to describe what the Kingdom of God is like.) Our hope for reconciling and transformation come from this same foundation, this stone. We are all surrounded by it Daily. Lord grant us eyes to see you and your growing Kingdom in the stranger, in our neighbour, the sick and the hungry.