Beautiful Holy

(This is something i wrote using parts from my journals over the past several months. Relationships and experiences lay behind what is written, too many stories to write, and events that i don't know how to share exist between the lines of this... prayer of sorts. It is addressed to Beautiful Holy a name i have recently been taking up in conversation with the figure normally called the Holy Spirit. It is a name that to me expresses some of the mystery, truth, and awe of the closeness as i engage in conversation. )


Beautiful Holy,
You arise in us a contrast of us and you, and you the Beautiful-Holy so patiently work to bring in the Kingdom of God here on earth as it is in heaven. That is how you taught us to pray, and i ask myself can i handle what it means "on earth as in heaven"? This prayer calls deep for life and change. I come with fear and trembling, and with confidence knowing you are a good God. What are you calling to me?
Change grates on my skin, but determined to sing your praise i stand and rhythmically move in the dark. This is my dance before you.

Locked in the familiarity of hate we hold the key you have already given, it is the size of a mustard seed; we pierce through the wall with love and let the flood rush out over us.

Your Love was no more understandable after your death than before; so we ask for your eyes to love our enemies, those that take advantage of love, and those that seek to destroy You, but cannot.

Give us Your mind dear Saviour to know when and how to speak, to know when to spit in the mud, to reach out and heal, and when to draw in the sand while the truth penetrates through the silence. Teach us your wisdom that has turned this world upside-down with its presence.

My life is a shambles a disheveled heap a wreak. I keep nothing orderly or pure, i lack discipline and perseverance that it takes to pursue or draw near to anything or anyone, let alone God. I sit and agree all of our human striving is vanity. Yet how can pursuing justice, love and mercy be in vain? I stand in my struggle and am drained of power. i can fix nothing. I have nothing.

How can i give when i have nothing? I stand in my own struggle of seeing myself as disempowered, how can i tell others of their dignity and worth if i see myself without strength? where does my breath come from? ...although all physical strength is gone, there is still each breath that comes at Your bidding filling my bones with life and i also raise from a dry valley, so i boast in YOU...you are everything i have...you are everything. My soul stands in awe at what it sees. It is a gift of great value, and yet I can only invite people into something that i myself have accepted.

Jesus i receive your love for me, i let it flow over and overflow my being, let it be a fragrance to those who are skeptical, to those who have drawn near. YOUR LOVE IS NOT A SECRET, let me shout it from the rooftops, and sit with those who do not understand in silent reflection of your unfathomable love.

You draw us into the struggle of Love and bring us to our knees as we pray to love those who know only how to inflict pain. We embody the love they are afraid to embrace...

I see your face when i open the door to our home. You are covered over by shame and the stench of smelly shoes that fills our hallway and everything that is cast at the broken- a weight of guilt to those without strength, but still you are present there.

i also see the dreaded and the fearsome and that their justice and dignity go forth from themselves on the backs of those who call out for Help. what i see is like Habakkuk said, you make mankind like like the fish of the sea, like the crawling things with no ruler; where the one who perverts justice brings up the poor with a hook and net and drags them to shore and is glad and rejoices at what he can getaway with. Is he then to keep on emptying his net and mercilessly killing nations forever?

No matter the dark You are there. it is as light to you; there is no need to fear it. Being surrounded in dark i find you there working, and playing and singing over all you have created.

For You O Lord, see the nations, You see your people, you see the lost lamb, you see the aggressive bear--and the cub inside that it tries to protect. You see and You hear. " I will make my stand at the watch post and station myself on the tower and look out and see what you O Lord will say to me and what i will answer to my complaint.

For you are Not a slow God, and you will not be patient forever. Though for now there is trouble in the world we will not fear. Death has been conquered. Life is being breathed into our very being. I rise with you today and live today. May i please The One who has called me. I do not fool myself to think that there are no consequences to a life lived upside-down in a world that is "right-side" up. Great Provider i ask for proper attire for the journey ahead, and not too heavy of a mantel that i would only be able to go half way. I follow you in full awareness,
My Lord was only resurrected after he was crucified. Glorified and Risen Master, help me see the beauty in the suffering don't let my eyes grow dim with dismay. And do not let me miss the party and feast that celebrates the return of even the least of your children.
Come, Beautiful Holy, abide and bring to the surface the heart of God and intercede beyond where my words can go.

places that make a difference

"Nope, no we have already started..." i was told an advocate for women meeting was being held, and i was late. knowing i could not join i wanted to see just a peek. i peer into the room and look around. At first glance i know this was not what i expected. This was not a bunch of do good women sitting around in a board meeting talking about how they could the women on the street, these were the woman of the street, who wanted to have a safe place to talk and be bold women with dignity. It would have been an experience so different yet strangely what i wanted. The lead woman who was saying they were started gave me a look and then said, "oh what the hell, come on in." I stand there a bit shocked that they would let me in. I am new to the group and i arrived late. the rules are no showing up late, be from the DTES, be a woman, have problems. Did they really think i fit that description, i thought as i stepped toward the group of five women. i stand by the group for a moment because there is no open chair. The woman star at me ""grab a chair--wait, are you a street worker? "no" i shake my head. Are you an addict? "no" i lower my head as i shake it, my hopes of staying and seeing what the meeting is like quickly dissipate. Have you ever smoked even cigarettes? i look up, that i can nod my head to as i say in a slight voice, a few times. "well then, Ok grab a seat." i walk over to the corner for a chair thinking the whole time what have you got yourself into and where is my friend that said she was coming too. as i sit the leader tells me they have been sharing about their week, and then one of the other girls picks back up by swearing a string of words to mark the fact that she had been interrupted by my coming late and that she had lost her train of thought. Welfare wednesday had past since they had met as a group last so as we go around sharing each tell what they did with their welfare money and how they don't remember the day, or how they messed up by not buying all in one lump but in a bunch of smaller amounts. as i sit listening i enjoy being an insider even if it is for a moment, i am hearing things from these women that on the street they don't dare to say, and i wonder what i will share. As i start my turn to answer the command to tell them about myself i tell that i have been here a year and a half--they look at me like that explains the fresh blood look--then i tell them i am from the states and they are interested to crawl into my suit case when i go home. i share an experience or two that i have had and then it is over--i passed the test, they said i was welcome to be there and passed me "Fat Rat", saying" if you like 'Fat Rat' then your in" --i don't know if they are joking or serious and i don't dare ask. but the meeting continues on and i really enjoy hanging out, even though the topic was legal advocacy i did not feel awkward about not having an outstanding ticket or warrant because there was a woman who after ten years of being here still was non-existent to the police. i was not half as offended as she was that the police did not know my name, and wouldn't be able to find me in their system no matter how hard they searched.

The whole time i could not help but think, this is where i want to be, right here talking and hanging with my new friends, that this was a connecting point i could fit into. that i did not want to inflict change on them but i wanted to be with them, and live knowing we both exist. Someone i know has set the example and i want to follow (matt.9:9-12) even if i know it was only because of my bald head that i got in the door.